Po-lite-ness

(It’s not what you think)

From the Fall 2022 issue of Sacred Heart University Magazine

By Grace Curley ‘23

“That’s a bottle of rosé,” he calls over to us.

There’s a moment before I even think of responding. Not to dismiss him, but because I need to process what he said. Without a hint of sarcasm or any awareness of the conversation I’ve been having about this very bottle of rosé, my male coworker has taken it upon himself to inform me that the bottle I am holding, reading, discussing is exactly what it says on the label. I think to myself, There is no way he said that. But he did.

“Thank you!”

I say it with a smile and a wave to let him know that he’s been heard and helpful so that he can feel good. And then I share a separate smile with my older female coworker.

“Well thank God he said something. I had forgotten how to read,” my coworker quips. Together we laugh. We know we have to laugh.

I often think about that moment—how it perfectly embodies a major dilemma that comes with being a woman. Do we defend our intelligence and independence by explaining that we are perfectly capable of reading a bottle’s label and assessing its contents, thereby risking offense and appearing ungrateful for help we never needed or even wanted in the first place, or do we simply say thank you and move on? It all comes down to picking your battles. A woman knows that if she confronted every man who thought he knew better, she would never find peace. Sometimes it’s easier to just be polite.

Politeness avoids conflict, which should at the very least save us some time—and also, we hope, our lives.

Jenny Kutner of MIC reported that in 2016, 14 women were murdered because they rejected advances from men encroaching on their personal space. And then there are those times when polite isn’t enough. In June 2022, CBS News reported that a 17-year-old girl in Colorado was murdered by her 28-year-old coworker in their workplace for rejecting his advances. Though she had sought a polite and nonconfrontational resolution to the situation—the young woman spoke to management about her coworker, how uncomfortable he made her feel, and asked to be put on separate shifts from him—management did not listen to the young woman. It resulted in the end of her life.

Women hear stories like this all the time and quickly learn the dangers of rejecting a man, and so, yes, avoiding confrontation in the interest of safety is a real thing for women. Instead, rather than rejecting men, we softly— politely—disappoint them. We conjure up boyfriends and partners who are waiting for us at home or on the other side of the restaurant. We say we can’t have another drink; our boyfriend is waiting. Sadly, we already belong to someone else, we say. Men will accept this. Somehow woman-as-property sits well and is acceptable, whereas woman-not-into-me is deviant and dangerous and punishable, even by death.

This kind of politeness is not the same as perfunctorily saying “please” and “thank you.” It is a skill and survival strategy, and it’s learned out of necessity from an early age. Stop Street Harassment conducted a study that showed that 81% of women have dealt with catcalling in their lifetime, 70% of whom said the first time was when they were at most 13 years old. Many were even younger. When asked how the age of the catcaller compared this first time, the vast majority were men who were not just older, but significantly older—with 55% being 30 years old or older. There isn’t much an adolescent woman can do to physically defend herself against a fully grown man. She must find another way to protect herself. She must be strategic. She must be polite.

But make no mistake. This kind of passivity is not a weakness. It is the product of strength. It is the practice of self-control with an acute awareness of one’s surroundings. It is a learned skill—part instinct and part intellect—allowing women to navigate and maneuver out of and through situations they do not wish to be in. It is playing at being small, lest the predator feel threatened.

Of course, politeness as a strategy has its costs. When propriety becomes an act of self-preservation, victim shaming polices adherence to the rules. There are dresses not to be worn, drinks not to be left unattended, ground floor apartments not to be considered and even times of day not to be found walking alone—or any consequences will be the woman’s own to face. All of this tells a woman she is not welcome in the only world she knows. It tells her that the liberties and experiences open to others (namely men) are not accessible to her or, at least, not without real threat. Think about all the wonderful discoveries and lessons she misses because her want to explore is stifled at a very young age, all the inspiration and opportunity that pass her by because society expects more social and situational awareness from a 13-yearold girl than from a 30+-year-old man.

When it takes this much effort and attention to merely survive, the notion of thriving may seem the stuff of dreams. And all too often, it is. According to the Pew Research Center, the gender pay gap continued in 2020, with women making only 84% of what their male counterparts were making. Meanwhile, MIT Sloan reported that among most U.S. retail chains, female employees are 14% less likely to be promoted than their male coworkers. This may be because, as the Center for Creative Leadership found, when women lead, they are twice as likely as their male counterparts to be labeled as “bossy.” Furthermore, the same study found that when women are labeled as “bossy,” they are less likely to be promoted. What’s a woman to do when showing leadership potential ironically hinders the chances of her rising to a leadership role, but staying put means getting 84 cents for every man’s dollar?

Yet despite these frustrations, women remain polite. We keep these coveted lessons and pass them from one woman to the next, one generation to the next, and in so doing we find ways to navigate a society built against us. When I look out into the world for future opportunities and see a world that appears bleak and grim, I also see a world of remarkable women forging paths forward for me and for all others. We do not know what will come to us in the future, but we trust that we can take whatever it may be in stride and turn it into something of use. Like using politeness’ passive appearance to mask the acute awareness a woman has of her own situation.

Women will always be polite, but not always in the way you may think.

Grace Curley ’23 is a senior at Sacred Heart University double majoring in English and Theatre Arts. Her play, What it Means to be Polite, was accepted to The Mid-America Theatre Conference’s Ten-Minute Playwriting Symposium in March of 2022.