3 Tips for Fostering Considerate Conversations at the Holiday Table

In a divided political climate, listening and curiosity are important skills for keeping celebrations civil

It says something when a quick web search about holiday family gatherings reveals numerous headlines about how to stay civil at the holiday table amid a divisive political climate. Or as one news outlet put it—“Are you dreading political conversations around the dinner table this holiday season?”

People have always had different opinions about the role of government policies in our lives, and conversations about those differences can sometimes become heated. But it’s not just politics that bring about fractious discourse. When you feel strongly enough about a certain topic, you might just forget to stop and listen—or use any of the skills and tools available to you to create conversations that are not just more inclusive and civil, but more constructive, meaningful and thoughtful. Wouldn’t that be nice, along with that second slice of pumpkin pie?

If you want to keep the peace (and still have meaningful conversations with the people you care about), there are ways to achieve those goals. At Sacred Heart, there is an ongoing effort to promote better ways of listening, engaging and participating in respectful conversations. For instance, the Office for Inclusive Excellence (OIE) held several events to foster more inclusive conversations during the recent elections. Through strategy development, programming, initiatives and other resources, the OIE works to foster and sustain a community at SHU that is diverse, equitable, civil and inclusive for all.

Here are three tips, inspired by those events and other resources, that will help with conversations around the holiday table.

1. Set an intention (or several) for the conversation

It may seem clunky or forced to suggest that everyday conversations need some guidelines, but the rewards can be great. These are not just conversational guardrails for yourself, but for your conversational partners, too. Something as simple as everybody deciding that they “can disagree without being disagreeable,” can be a good starting point, as Maurice Nelson, SHU’s chief diversity & inclusion officer, has often proposed.

At the very least, commit to becoming a better listener and ask others to do the same. As you exercise that tremendous tool, think about everyone’s unique perspective and experiences. The conversation could become more meaningful and constructive if your intent is not to persuade, but to get a better understanding of what informs the other person’s outlook or perspective.

“Inclusive excellence suggests that we achieve excellence as an institution—or in a more general sense, as a society—because of our diversity, not despite our diversity,” Nelson said.

2. Practice active listening

Active listening is not just hearing someone’s words but truly listening to them. With this approach, you listen to others without judgment and resist the urge to interrupt or project your own beliefs or opinions. This is where it gets difficult, particularly when someone’s views are radically different than your own. If you can stick to it, conversation can become a more meaningful exchange and an opportunity for the speaker and listener to grow and learn.

You can try this exercise, which participants undertook during a recent community discussion at SHU: Pair up with another person and start the conversation with a prompt (e.g., “What is your number one hope for the coming year?”) Then, one person talks for a short span of time and the other listens—no interruptions, not even questions—and the roles are reversed. As you reflect on the exercise, ask yourself, what did I gain when I could only listen? Hopefully, you gained some knowledge, and the other person felt heard, understood and had the space to genuinely share feelings.

3. Be curious and ask questions

In politically divided families, questions may indeed be one of the strongest commonalities, as in “How can you feel that way, when I feel this way?” If your solution to difficult conversations is to avoid them, an alternative is a conversation with more questions—earnest ones—delivered with the intent to learn what has shaped someone’s perspective and beliefs, including experiences past and present. You are listening to understand, not respond.

There’s much to learn when you are curious, said Elizabeth Luoma, executive director for the Center for Teaching & Learning and a facilitator at one of the community conversations. By leaning in and asking questions, you gain more knowledge about each other’s lived experiences, she said. “While there are times in my life that I have regretted saying something, there are very few times I have regretted asking something.” 
There are any number of questions that you can ask that can help to explore differences:

• “How are you feeling?”
• “What issues concern you the most and why?”
• “What experiences do you think shaped your outlook?”
• “What makes you see this issue in that light?”

And here is one you could ask before you share your perspective: “Can I share with you how I see it?”

Want to learn more about the ways to honor differences and foster unity and respect?

Across the SHU community, building a culture of respect and providing spaces where courageous and civil discussions can take place are key goals. That includes classrooms and programs supported by the Office for Inclusive Excellence, the Center for Teaching & Learning, the Multicultural Center, SAGE Center and others.