Armpit of the Nation My Ass!
Shaun Mitchell
What’s up? My name is New Jersey. That’s right; the third state in the Union is actually writing this to you, the reader. There seems to be some kind of talk amongst the other states that New Jersey is a dirty, disgusting place to live.
Well first of all, FUCK YOU!
Second of all, FUCK YOU!
And third of all, I’m gonna tell you why you should go fuck yourself because New Jersey is a phenomenal state to live in.
New Jersey is split in three areas. We’ve got Northern Jersey, Central Jersey, and Southern Jersey. Let’s discuss why each of them adds to make New Jersey the best state in the nation.
Northern Jersey is home to such stars as P. Diddy, Mary J. Blige, James Gandolfini, and Hope Davis just to name a few. Where do you think those city slicking New Yorkers go for a Sunday drive “in the country?” Northern fucking Jersey, that’s where. The country for you city boys is Northern fucking Jersey.
Northern Jersey is the classy part of the state. Lots of money and lots of secrets. I can guarantee you that Northern Jersey suburbs are more gossipy, fun, and slutty than your suburbs. Ever hear of “Desperate Housewives?” Yeah, based on New Jersey suburban housewives. But they can’t show you the good stuff on TV. We know how to fuck your sister, get a blow job from your mother, and if we’re feeling it, get a handy from your dad all without saying a word.
And we do it with class.
Don’t be jealous.
Big hair, a bigger laugh, and an even bigger sex drive, Central Jersey girls are special girls that God spent a little extra time on. Nobody messes with a girl from Central Jersey. They are born with daggers in their eyes and machine guns in their hair. They may not have the class of a Northern Jersey girl, but then again they could kick your ass and then feed it to the Rottwieler her daddy bought her in the backyard.
Central Jersey is the industrial part where Newark Airport and Elizabeth are located. It’s the part you’ve driven by on the Garden State Parkway. If you’re going to judge a state by its highway, then you can shove that fucking highway up your ass.
Then there is always the reliable Southern Jersey, where, regardless of the Philadelphian smutty accent, still resides the beauty of the Atlantic Ocean and the gorgeous beaches of the Jersey Shore. No other state in the nation has the killer boardwalks like we do, and if you think you do, you fucking don’t. The beaches from Atlantic City to Cape May to Long Beach Island all stretch for endless miles and the sunrises are like nothing you’ve ever seen before. We originated salt water taffy and our arcades and casinos can eat the shit out of yours. If you even have any, losers.
Sure I may curse like a mother-fucking sailor, and sure, my fucking citizens may do it too, but New Jersey is the Garden fucking State. We gave you Jon Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, The Sopranos, Michael Douglas, Jay and Silent Bob, Meryl fucking Streep, the first gay governor in the nation, and unfortunately Tom Cruise. (We regret that one.)
But to all you nay-sayers, you can go FUCK OFF! Because Jersey is the SHIT. So take a big whiff of that New Jersey air and have a nice day.
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