frig·id
adj.

1. Extremely cold. See Synonyms at cold.
2. Lacking warmth of feeling.
3. Stiff and formal in manner: a frigid refusal to a request.
4. Persistently averse to sexual intercourse.

            I've heard it said that society is anti-single women. This statement is only partially true. Society is against single women who have made a conscious choice to be that way. If a woman is single, society pities her in her incomplete state. People try to set her up on dates to save her from her loneliness. A beautiful single girl is considered a waste of a perfect mate.

            A single girl is supposed to focus on one thing and one thing only: finding a boyfriend. She must spend every waking moment scoping out prospective partners in hopes of finding her perfect match. It doesn't matter if she has other goals in mind. She must join the rest of the paired-off mainstream. If a woman is not interested in being in a relationship, something must be seriously wrong. The thought that she may just be focusing on other things is inconceivable. How dare she put herself and her own goals first! She should be in the trenches with the rest of the twenty-somethings, searching frantically for a companion. 

            I am one of the many women who live like this, and it's getting old. I'm tired of going home for a break from school and being asked if I have a boyfriend by every person I see. “Hi! How's school? Do you have a boyfriend?” Why is this always the script people follow? I feel as though I could win the Nobel Prize in astrophysics but the focus of the conversation would shift instantly to finding a boyfriend. “Wow! That's amazing. You know, my nephew loves astrophysics. I should give you his number. You two would have a great time together.”

            After the initial shock of not having a boyfriend wears off, the next question is always “Well, do you like anyone?” This is where all of the trouble comes in. It is okay to admit that you don't have a boyfriend. You get pity and the numbers of a lot of nephews or grandsons or cousins twice removed. Who knows, maybe one of them actually is a nice guy.

            But stating that you aren't interested in anyone is unacceptable. Even my best of friends look skeptical when I state that I'm not currently attracted to anyone. It's impossible to not have a crush. It is no longer considered having high standards to be single. People assume that you are some kind of cruel, man-hating feminist who still rants about women making 76 cents for every man's dollar. And in guy talk, feminist equals cold.

            There are different levels to coldness. A girl doesn't start out cold. She may just be a tad bit chilly. Perhaps she is a more cynical of love after ending a relationship. Or she has had a series of terrible dates. If the girl remains chilly for a long period of time, she will evolve and be considered cold. A cold girl is one who obviously holds a grudge. A cold girl always ends up being the cock-block at bars and parties. She sits and listens to her girlfriends complain about their trials and tribulations in the world of dating, but she secretly wishes she was in their situation. A cold girl can still be saved as long as she still claims to be interested in eventually dating again. A good wingman is the perfect cure.

            But if a girl says that she isn't interested, there is only one thing that she can be: frigid. Once you are dubbed as frigid, almost all hope is lost. In men's eyes, you are a bitch. An ice queen. You aren't invited out because you find your friends' attempts to “hook-up” so futile, you can't help but laugh. People refuse to see romantic movies with you because you over-analyze them to prove that the relationship will be over the second the credits start rolling. Friends stop trying to set you up with people because you “always say no anyway.”

            Once your friends give up hope, your own hope is soon to follow. You think “What is wrong with me? Should I lower my standards? Would that even help? Maybe (and it hurts to say this one out loud), maybe guys just aren't attracted to me. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or I'm too brainy, or too confident. Maybe I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.”

            Pretty depressing, right? I wish that were all. But once you reach the completely frigid stage, the last label that follows is the most detrimental to your date-ability. If you're focused on your own goals and aren't interested in any guys, you must be a lesbian! That is the only logical explanation!

            So then you get to thinking. “Oh my god, maybe I'm a lesbian and everyone knows it but me! That's why guys aren't attracted to me. They sensed the dyke vibe and steered clear. I've had some really close friends who are lesbians. Did they sense it and never tell me? Have I been suppressing the urge to wear Birkenstocks and listen to Melissa Etheridge?  Should I transfer to Smith and major in Women's Studies? Oh my god! My life as I know it has been lie!”

            And then you snap the hell out of it. You remember that you don't choose to be a lesbian; you either are one or you aren't. Although people may see you as frigid, you prefer the term focused. And you know that you're never going to lower your standards, so it's not even worth it to pretend you might.

            So the next time you're asked why you don't have a boyfriend, don't get defensive. Simply state that the guys you've met so far are either in a relationship or complete dumb asses, and neither one of those is your type. A wise woman once told me “it only takes one.” So keep on calling us determined girls “frigid.” There is bound to be a guy out there who is up for a challenge. I'm waiting for him.

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