The Tale of J. Alfred Smith
Shaun Mitchell

Act One, Scene One

(The curtain rises to reveal a modern day bar, styled like a 1950's saloon, in Hollywood, California.  Only two people are sitting at the bar plus the bartender and narrator, SMITTY.  J. ALFRED SMITH comes walking in wearing a trench coat and fedora.  He looks like a real big shot.  He takes off the coat and hat, only to reveal his janitor outfit.  He sits at the bar.  SMITTY comes over to him.)

SMITTY: The usual, Joe?

JOE: Yeah, I guess. 

(SMITTY goes about getting the drink while still carrying on the conversation.)

SMITTY: So what's new, Joe?

JOE: Eh, not too much.  Woke up, went to work, and now I'm here.  The usual Friday.

SMITTY: Sounds pretty nice to me.

JOE: Sure.  I guess.

SMITTY: You guess?

JOE: Yeah.  I don't know.  I've been crabby all day.  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  You know the side where nobody else is sleeping; the side where my imaginary wife is supposed to be.

SMITTY: (Sarcastic) Joe, you're positively beaming with happiness right now.

JOE: (Laughing) Yeah, I guess I am.  Yet you still can make me laugh, Smitty.  That's what I like about you.

SMITTY: I try.  So, why are you glum today?

JOE: Because I'm always getting the usual.  I get the usual drink on my usual Friday.

SMITTY: But you like your Tom Collins and peanuts.  You always get that.

JOE: That's the problem, Smitty.  I'm always getting the same things from life.  Nothing in my life changes.  Everything is constant.

SMITTY: You live in Los Angeles, Joe.  You're probably the only person who can honestly say that with some hint of disgust.  Do you know how many people would kill for the easy life you have?  People like us are the lucky ones.  Not everyone has something constant in their life.

JOE: But do you know what I would do for something in my life to change?

SMITTY: There's a simple solution to that, Joe.  You have to ask yourself one question. 

JOE: I don't want to know it right now.  It will just get me frustrated. 

SMITTY: Alright.  Suit yourself.

JOE: I have a question for you though. 

SMITTY: Oh yeah?  What's that?

JOE: You work here everyday and you have been for the past twenty years.  You take the same shift each day and you live the same life each day.  Tell me, Smitty, did you ever feel like changing your life?

SMITTY: Of course I have.

JOE: Now my other question is: why haven't you?

SMITTY: Because I'm content with the life that I have.  Sure I dream a lot, but I have a beautiful wife, two successful daughters, and I'm sixty years old.  I can't change now, even if I wanted to.  But I don't.  And you, you're young.  You have so much time to change the things in your life. 

JOE: Look at me, Smitty.  What do you see?

SMITTY: I see Joe Alfred Smith.  A twenty-nine year old Hollywood native who works in a major motion picture studio as a janitor; I see a well educated college graduate.  I see the closest thing I have to a son.  I see potential.  But (pause) I also see an enigma that I can't figure out.  

JOE: I'm an enigma now?

SMITTY: You are a friend above all else to me, but you're also one big question.

JOE: I don't even want to know it.  I don't like questions.

SMITTY: That's good, because I wouldn't know how to phrase it.

JOE: It's this town, Smitty; growing up in this town.  It's disillusioned me.

SMITTY: How is that, Joe?

JOE: It's Hollywood. It's the movie capitol of the world, you know?  I grew up watching them in the different movie houses around town.  I grew up hanging around the studios.  I grew up believing in the magic.  It's funny, you know?  You see something being made, then you watch the final product and you know it can't be real.  It just can't.  But you believe it anyway.  You believe it because that is all you have.  Then reality hits and there is a struggle to find out what is supposed to be real and what is supposed to be fiction.  Sometimes that little moment of escape turns into people's lifetimes.  I don't want that to be me.  I don't want to be living a dream.

SMITTY: That is a very true and intelligent statement, Joe.  Now use that intelligence and make something of yourself.  Find a real job.  You were meant to be something bigger.  Why did you choose to become a janitor anyway?

JOE: Because I wanted to be around the movie studios still.  There's such nostalgia in them for me. 

SMITTY: But why not a production assistant or even bigger?

JOE: I don't know.  Too much responsibility?

SMITTY: That's bull, Joe.  And you know it.  You could do so much more.

JOE: But could I?  I don't know how true that is.

SMITTY:  Of course it's true.  Everyone has the chance to change if they are willing.  That, however, is what you lack.

JOE: What?  The will to change?  (Beat) Perhaps. 

SMITTY: All you need to do is change one thing about your life and the rest will follow.  Like dominos. 

JOE: But what if this is where I am supposed to be in life?  I'm here.  I must be here for some reason.

SMITTY: Everyone has their own philosophy.  What do you do when you get home from work?

JOE: I eat dinner, take a walk, watch television, and go to bed.

SMITTY: Everyday?

JOE: Everyday.

SMITTY: Tonight I think you should do one thing different than your normal routine.  See what happens.  See how it makes you feel.

JOE: I could.

SMITTY: Do it for me.  Do it for you.  Now get out of here.

JOE: Kicking me out already?

SMITTY: You have something to do.  You know this door is always open for you.

JOE: Thanks for listening, Smitty.  I appreciate that someone does.

SMITTY: It comes with the job.  Now scoot! 

(JOE puts on his coat and heads for the door.  LINDA walks into the bar.  LINDA is a blonde haired, brown eyed beauty with a nice body and attractive looks for a woman of 35 years old.  JOE turns around without looking and bumps into LINDA.)

JOE: Oh, dear.  I'm so sorry!  I didn't look where I was going.

LINDA: Oh, come now.  Don't worry about it.  It happens.

JOE: I should have looked before I turned.

LINDA: I shouldn't have been so close to put while you were putting your coat on.

JOE: Still, I'm so sorry.

LINDA: Oh don't be!  (Looking at him intently) Hey, don't you work at Paramount?

JOE: (Shocked) Yeah.

LINDA: You're the janitor for studio three and four, right?

JOE: Yeah.  Yeah, I am.

LINDA:  I'm Linda Martin, the production assistant for the independent film in there right now.

JOE: Well it's nice to meet you Linda.  I'm Joe Smith.

LINDA: The pleasure is mine, Joe.

JOE: Well I better get going.  Are you working tomorrow?

LINDA: Yeah, even Saturdays are unsafe for production assistants.  Maybe I'll see you tomorrow?

JOE: Yeah, maybe. 

LINDA: Well great then.  Have a good night, Joe.

JOE: You too.  You too.

SMITTY: (To the audience) The wheels of fate started turning for Joe that moment.  Fate was giving him an opportunity right there and then, in the form of a woman named Linda.  The rest is up to Joe.  On his behalf, I welcome you to the tale of J. Alfred Smith.

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