Out Damned Spot
Christine Fahey
Something is trying to come out
of my head. It obeys no schedule, it defies time.
It's been so long
since I've had a
chemo-free day. Something
in me said
that no matter what the doctor said
I'm never getting out
of this bed. There's Something
in my brain this time---
It feeds on my thoughts, a
darkness longing
to overtake me. Long
ago my mother said
I was a
dangerous child. I'd run out
into traffic time
and again chasing something
she never could see. I wonder why some things
never change. It seems like I've always longed
for someone to understand what I'm reaching for. Time
mocks my quest. The nurse said
Dr. Nichols is out
today. She's holding a
file. I wonder if it's a
good report. Last week the doctor wrote something
about the pressure I feel inside, that we'll work on sorting out
the underlying issues. It's not that the mass is so long
the specialist said
it's that 4 inches in a month puts us on a tight time
schedule. Time
means nothing to me anymore. Just a
further extension of pain. The doctor said
he could give me something
that would put me under for a long
while. I'll find my answers when my soul flies out.
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