Whenever my friends smell sugar, flour, and cinnamon wafting through the house, they know to stay the hell away from me.   When I'm upset, I tend to calm myself down through baking.  Cakes, brownies, cookies, banana bread, pastries, you name it. 

            I work out my problems making something delicious. 

            There's something about habits, about things that require steps, there's comfort in the process.  When I'm sifting flour, melting chocolate, drizzling chocolate, kneading dough, life just seems a hell of a lot simpler.   Suddenly I have directions, I have structure, but most importantly: I have a mission.  Bake something fabulous.  Recreate an old favorite.  Perhaps try a chocolate swirl cinnamon loaf.  Honestly?  It doesn't even matter as long as the end result is baked.

            I get lost in the process of it.  My anger and frustration subside as a cake batter starts turning that gorgeous golden color.  Or better yet my pain eases when the beaten sugar and butter blend into a glorious caramel color signifying a perfect batch of chocolate chip cookies.  When I'm truly upset I don't use an electric mixer.  Instead I'll grab a tablespoon and stir until my arm goes numb.    Mixing by hand takes forever, but somehow it always tastes better that way. 

            As the dough rises and I survey the damage done to the kitchen, I magically feel accomplished.  I take some time to think about whatever riled me up while the concoction bakes in the oven.   I put the leftover ingredients away, methodically wash then dry the pots and pans, scrub down the counters, wipe down the surface of the stove, and finally rinse down the sink.  The cleanup process allows me to breathe for a moment and decide what I want to do.  As the dish comes out of the oven and cools for a bit, I find a strange kind of acceptance:  I can handle it. 

            Afterwards, I yell to all my friends to come eat.  They all pile into the kitchen and dig in, diets be damned.   We'll hang out, complain, and laugh as the world rights itself again around baked goods and good friends.

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