Everyone had pushed the idea into her head.
You two would be perfect together. You are practically a couple already. It’s the way that he looks at you. It’s the way you look at him. Everyone is rooting for you two.
She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t something that she wanted. She wasn’t something that he wanted.
The thoughts started to consume everything. It wasn’t that she was obsessed with the matter, but she wanted to know. Simply being friends when you want more becomes an impossible task.
This internal battle went on for years it felt like; in reality it was 13 months and 7 days.
She finally told him the thoughts forced into her brain. Her friends promised she’d feel better once it was done. It would be a weight off her chest. She would finally feel like things were normal.
The eloquent speech she had rehearsed time and time again lying in her bed full of lines taken from How I Met Your Mother and Grey’s Anatomy was forgotten in the moment. She would have settled for Star Wars moment since he never really fit the romantic leading man role. Anything would do, but she seemed to forget how to form sentences.
It might have been the shots that triggered her nerve.
It might have been that she didn’t want to graduate never knowing.
Or it might have been because of the way he smiled at her as she told a dumb joke.
It didn’t matter what it might have been. All that mattered was that the words slipped out.
I love you.
It wasn’t said very loudly but it created complete silence.
She waited for him to say something.
His expression was impossible to read.
He left the room silently.
Why would anyone want this?
This is improvement?
That was the only thought racing through her mind. Her friends convinced her she’d feel better after this moment, but nothing felt better after this. She felt empty. She felt as if she had lost something she could never replace.
She thought of reeling the words back in. The silence they created would vanish. Instead they’d be laughing at something shared between just them.
She thought if she’d ever laugh with him again.
What would they speak about the next time she saw him? She prayed they could act like it never happened.
She was so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t heard the door open.
His words made her angry. You know?
But looking at him the anger dissipated.
He was responding in the only way his robot self could, through their shared film knowledge. He played the role of Han Solo to her role of princess.
She started crying as she felt his arms wrap around.
This is improvement.